is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
