Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
