In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
