the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
