you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
