Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
