she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
