I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
