Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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