They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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