I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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