K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize