The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
