but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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