bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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