just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
