with your own penis?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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