Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
