I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
