can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
