if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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