i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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