I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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