Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
