Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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