Can Purell be used as lube?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
