I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
