peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Randomize
