If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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