Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
