Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
