She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
