Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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