I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Boobs speak an international language.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize