1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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