I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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