I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
