1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
