I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
