for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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