I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
