If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
