I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
there is puke in my bra ... again
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
