i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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