i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
zippers are such a cool invention
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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