Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
