Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
