So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
