Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
