Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
