one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
