That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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