I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
