just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize