Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
