I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
