Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
