bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
