I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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